Sunday, June 10, 2012

Caught in the Act

     I have an older friend at work whom, as he's leaving, always remarks with a quip from a generation soon to pass, "catch your act later." Am I an act? If indeed I am an act, I hope it's a good act, or at the very least a good portrayal. "Of what" do I portray? Is it in the sense of moral conduct as in deeds done or behaviour appropriated for the occasion of the moment? At least it would seem to have been done I hope, as an exploit or achievement, whether good or ill, as my dictionary translates. It just strikes me as such an odd remark leaving me feeling rather uneasy, espescially after my last post. If, when upon observation, my presence is summed up in such a quip as this, how was my perfomance received? And much more to my horror, did anyone see, as I sometimes see, how phony and poor the performance can be when scrutinized by a discerning eye? After all, what I long for in relationship, is simply, genuiness, something real, something concrete. A pretender, after all, is nothing more than a liar. I'm as convinced of this as of anything else because it's who I am too much of the time. I'm not saying that one should not be kind when the feeling is not there. We're all past that I would hope. I'm not saying that "to put on Christ" is not to be pursued with all of our heart, or at the very least an attempt to be made. I'm saying it scares me to death that my present witness could be reduced to a mere act, unsustainable and  laughable by my preceding acts, revealing a lack of depth and conviction. When the reviews come in, or rather out when I leave the room, are they compelling enough to sell the story. After all, you can't sell what you don't have and it preys upon my mind and spirit when I'm "caught in the act."
     One more of the many ways in which my dictionary references act is this.  "A state of reality or real existence, as opposed to a possibility."
     "The seeds of plants are not at first in act, but in possibility, what they afterwards grow to be."
                                                                                                                                               Hooker

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